Confronting My Deepest Fears in Motherhood and Finding Resilience
Ashlie Price
Earlier this week, I thought I was going to lose my mind, as I experienced a panic attack so intense I passed out twice.
At the start of my day, I was driving to meet with a soulful circle of friends when I received a phone call that I wasn't expecting. Soon after the call began, I began to question my self-belief of being a good mother to my children. Let me explain...
I was being told that one of my children was having a difficult time mentally, and it was because of my actions. Now, the actions were in relation to something that I truly believed was for the highest good of my family, but maybe it wasn't. As the call continued, my thoughts catapulted me into oblivion, activating my deepest fear: "My kids would be better off without me, and they would be well taken care of whether I am around or not." And I bought into it. I chose to believe it at the moment by way of my deepest fears potentially being manifested.
Panic overtook me. My heart started racing, and I began furiously crying. I could blame the messenger that called me. In defense, I could say that whatever they said MADE me feel this way. But that was a lie. No one could make me feel anything, as they do not have power over my body's feelings and responses. What their words did was trigger an emotion that was ALREADY in my heart. The belief that I may not be a good mother or that I am not doing a good job as a mother wreaked chaos in my heart so intensely that when this conversation happened, this silent beast woke up within me that I had not encountered in 11 years.
I have not felt this hopeless and immense self-judgment since I experienced postpartum depression in 2012. At that time, I truly did believe that my kids were better off without me because I was depressed and at war on the battlefield of the mind. I wasn't showing up for them the way they deserved, as I could barely show up for myself. I lost my identity at the time, as so much of my life was identifying my life's purpose as being their mother. It was MY ONLY purpose at the time, I believed. So, since I bought into the belief that they deserved better and I shouldn't be given the responsibility of having them, the thought was that my life wasn't worth living. So, I almost checked out before I checked in to receive professional help. (Another story for another day)
This is the same feeling I got earlier this week. But, thankfully, I had someone with me who held me in my breakdown, spoke life into my soul, and helped me to source back into my body so that I could truly question the validity of the thoughts I was having. I am beyond grateful they were there!
After I was able to come back into my body and think, the thoughts I had to truly tap into were:
Was it true?
Are my kids truly better off without me?
Of course not!!!!
But the mind is tricky. If it perceives a threat or danger, our primal instincts for survival kick in. And for mothers, it kicks in multiplied to infinity, as in our heart of hearts, we just want our children to be safe, loved, and provided. And, if we truly believe we can't do it, by way of our thoughts and fears, it can take even the strongest souls down to their knees.
So, now that I can truly sit and ponder on it, the message that was brought to me only affected me because of the meaning I put into it, not necessarily because of the actual words.
I made it mean I was an unfit parent. And, since in the past that landed me in the hospital by way of my mental health breakdown 11 years ago, that scared me, as I am learning that the trauma still needs healing.
As mothers, there is an innate desire to love our children to the best of our capacity, and it is truly one of the most selfless loves on this earth. We lose our identity in it, sometimes, because we make it our ONLY purpose. So, if that is threatened, it can truly feel like we have no other reason to live.
But that's not true!
There is more to life when you are living out your Soul's Purpose, truly. And it spans more than what you do. It's tied to who you are! And, if I can be so bold as to say, I AM a woman who truly loves her children. I AM filled with the utmost good intentions for my loved ones. But, I also AM someone who has been through a lot of trauma and deserves patience and gentleness from MYSELF. I AM still working on this healing.
To offer a voice to the part of me that needs to be expressed, I am speaking next month on 2/21/24 at the EmpowerHer Life Virtual Lunch and Learn, where I will share my story of that girl who thought she lost it all in 2012 and how she continues to heal from burnout and create a life worth living- for her children, her family, her career and herself.
Stay tuned. :)